As my sweet hubby and I boarded the plane just now, to return home from our very fun & romantic couple’s getaway…he gently kissed my head and said “Let’s go home baby”! I smiled at him with a very happy heart and said “I’m ready babe”. My heart couldn’t have felt any fuller in that moment…it was overflowing with a very comforting & familiar feeling I call “the joy of us”…one that is deeply anchored in our souls.
I’m so incredibly grateful for finally living life in this state of marriage fulfillment that it inspired me to write today’s blog. I want to write about it because I sincerely want everyone who desires this type of intimate relationship to remain hopeful, to know that it exists not just in fairy tales but that two people can co-create it. Yes, that’s right, create it together because it certainly takes two.
How do I know? Certainly not because I’m a relationship expert. I know first hand because I’ve been down every road, including the very painful one of a failed relationship. What I know from my personal experiences is that there are some key relationship principles that once understood can be applied through action to achieve amazing relationship fulfillment. I won’t be able to cover all but here are a few that can really help:
#1. Approach the relationship with a spirit of giving/sharing love, joy & laughter vs. expecting your partner to create those experiences for you.
If both people approach it this way, it only makes sense that this would lead to mutual fulfillment, right? Going in with an intention of adding joy to our partner’s life, instantly removes that sense of obligation and conditional love. Ask yourself “how can I serve and nurture this relationship?” vs. “what’s in it for me?”
#2 All relationships go through phases.
We all know, too well, that first stage of a relationship that’s nothing but an exhilarating & addictive chemical cocktail. We’ve taken a sip of the love potion and we want more, more, more. We’re energized, giddy, hopeful, loving, positive & happy as can be. We effortlessly do just about anything to impress the other person. We show up every day as the best version of ourselves. This is it! We’ve finally found the one. We can relax, life is great!!!!
After this comes the practical stage where we start to merge the two lives into one. The high isn’t as high but we’re feeling secure, appreciated, settled, purposeful, hopeful. Life is good! A definite prelude to the hellish phase that’s lurking around the corner. Right?
Just as we’re starting to feel comfortable & content, our evil twins decide to come visit. We find ourselves shouting questions like “who the hell are you and what the hell did I get myself into?”. The hell stage has arrived. I call this the make it or break it stage because this is the one where most people quit. This is when the ego’s facade starts to crumble and our true wounded selves show up, bringing equally damaging behaviors and choices. Here’s the thing though. Most people don’t understand this is common & expected because we are human after all. Some start to feel guilt and shame for making the wrong choice in their partner. As the illusion of their perfect partner starts to dissolve they either panic & run or get stuck in a denial cycle for so long that it starts to feel toxic but normal. They settle, convinced this is all there ever could be in love.
I’m here to tell you, the successful ones push past this stage. They make it into the next phase because they accept each other’s unhealed pain as opportunities for growth individually and as a couple. With lots of acceptance, patience & forgiveness people come out on the other side of pain to find true & real love. Those who get here experience a level of love & appreciation like never before and begin to build a soul connection through true love & intimacy. They’re on their way to forever lasting bliss & joy.
#3 There’s a huge difference between LOVE & ATTACHMENT
To have mutual fulfiment, both people should feel sufficiently complete & whole prior to engaging in a committed relationships. In my opinion, that’s what the engagement period should establish for a couple. Engagement these days is mainly used to plan the wedding vs. to plan a life together. When either or both people aren’t whole, the relationship is based on attachment which is very easily mistaken for love. Attachment is clingy & toxic. It shows up as neediness…it’s that sense that we are not complete without the other person’s love & affection, like we need it to survive. It’s fear based with incessant thoughts of our partners leaving us. It’s being chronically anxious about our future with them. It’s controlling, suffocating & heavy. It’s filled with, jealousy, envy, anger & toxic conflict.
Love on the other hand is an outward expression that feels light, natural & freeing to our partners. It’s delicate. It’s knowing with certainty that we’re ok without controlling or knowing what the other person is doing 24/7. It’s letting them have their own space, their own identity, their own voice. It’s wanting what is best for them. Love is that unwavering knowing that what is meant to be, will be. We are confident in the strength of our love & connection to withstand anything that comes our way.
#4 Intimacy doesn’t occur naturally & spontaneously, it’s cultivated
Intimacy is cultivated through curiosity, acceptance, forgiveness, courage & personal responsibility. No matter how much two people have in common, there still are differences that have to be effectively managed in a relationship. Subconsciously, we all show up with an inner child that was once wounded, who influences how we make choices, respond to challenges, and live our lives. Some refer to this as a person’s flaws. I like to refer to them as unhealed wounds. Intimacy is created when both people can be fully vulnerable, open and honest about how these past wounds show up in our current relationship. Intimacy happens when we each take full responsibility for our choices and decisions sometimes driven from these unhealed wounds. Openly admitting that sometimes we cause pain that stems from our own pain builds trust, connection & intimacy. Forgiving this very part of human nature and trusting that our partners won’t use these vulnerable moments against us create a level on intimacy that connect people at the soul level.
#5 Open & effective communication is the key that unlocks Clarity & alignMent.
Just as any other team project, relationships are built by openly & effectively communicating with one another. How else can two people building something together get on the same page? Meaningful words & clarity are a must for the attunement to both our heart’s desires. It’s so important to have confidence in our ability to co-create our desired outcomes. It takes clear & open communication to give us that confidence. We have to consistently communicate our progress, our thoughts & feelings with our partners.
There are certain words that should be off the table when communicating in terms of our relationship. The two that come to mind are “right” & “wrong”. Try replacing these with “what works/doesn’t work” for the relationship. When we express ourselves we should do it in terms of what we’ve experienced or felt vs. how our partners acted/behaved. We should habitually use the words “I want/desire” instead of “I need”. Last but not least, let the words I’m sorry, I forgive you, I love you become second nature to you both.
#6 Amazing soul connections lead to amazing sex, not the other way around.
So many believe that it’s the other way around, that a fulfilling sex life will lead to a fulfilling relationship. I’m here to tell you they believe that only because they haven’t yet experienced the bliss & ecstasy that emerge from the sexual entanglement of two connected souls. That’s all I’ll say about that.
In closing, in a TRUE LOVE relationship WE each feel blissful, joyous, peaceful, excited, centered, grounded, confident, free, inspired, light & happy, just to name a few. The connection comes from an inner drive that’s centered in love, not in fear. Allow each other to be human & imperfect, laugh at the crazy stuff you each do at times, have fun, laugh hard, be the best friends, put your energy into praising the good vs. criticizin the bad, co-create what you want together instead of fixing each other.
Much love & light! ✨?✨
Dee
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